Minneapolis, MN Day 2

Nick: We awoke to find Abby off to work. Which was too bad, because we liked Abby. She did a lot of art, a lot of travel, a lot of cooking. Things we like. But we needed to get going, there was a lot to see this day. And by a lot, I mean one thing. And by one thing, I mean everything. THE mall of AMERICA.

Brian: /me plays triumphant fanfare.

Nick: If this blog has anything to do with figuring out what this country is all about, and of course it is, then the mall of America should have been our first stop. Is there anything more American? I mean, besides a star-spangled, gun toting, Tim McGraw jamm’n, burger eat’n eagle perched atop a monster truck. Which I think I would like to see someday. Well, it wasn’t our first stop, obvs, but we made it, and we gave it the time it was due. We showed up around 9:15 am, before most things were opened, then settled down and got our blog on in a small café in the middle of the amusement park.

Brian: Wait, what? Yeah that’s right. There is a full-on…

Nick: …don’t say “full-on”…

Brian: …sorry… an entire amusement park within the center of the mall. I couldn’t spend all day in that central chamber of Nickelodeon themed wonderment but Nick got freaked out just looking at the Spongebob coaster. How about the Dora the Explorer coaster? No? Nick made it very clear that it wasn’t even worth my breath trying to convince him to ride it. I think that puts my snake fear into perspective.

Nick: As I explained in the car, there is a long list of reasons hanging out with a snake is a better idea than riding a rollercoaster. I shall enumerate but a few:

1. Riding roller coasters costs money, which could otherwise be spent to buy sandwiches, Moxie, or Moxie sandwiches.

2. No one’s ever been killed, injured or attacked by a four-foot long Ball Python. Have people fallen out of rollercoasters, experienced heart-damaging stress, and otherwise suffered from the unnatural jerking motions of the ride? Of course.

3. One can control one’s actions in the presence of snakes. You can run, you can fight, you can throw someone else in front of them. If things go wrong on a coaster, it’s not going to end well, and no amount of screaming is going to change that.

4. Snakes look cool, and beautiful women look cool when they have snakes draped around themselves. Ever seen a beautiful woman on a rollercoaster? She probably has that stupid expression of sheer terror mixed with explosive glee. Her hair is everywhere, and maybe she’s crying. Not a good look. There are more reasons, but I guess we can move on for now.

Brian: I will simply note your knee-jerk defensiveness as my closing argument. So yeah, so we spent most of the day doing nothing. Literally just walking around the mall or blogging. Even so, my mind was blown. Everyone told me how big this place was going to be, and yet I still underestimated it. It puts most airports to shame.

Nick: Airports? Kind of random. And we didn’t do nothing, we checked out all kinds of cool stores and attractions, then caught a six dollar showing of Zombieland, which I’m happy to report was not interrupted by disgruntled Long Island motorists and was even more excellent the second time around. After the flick, we headed over to our new host’s place, Micaela, for some bike riding and Indian food. Dot Indian.

Brian: Yeah, not feather Indian. Considering how awesome the weather has been the bike ride was amazing. I think my body almost forgot what exercise was. When we got back to Micaela’s we played a game of Spades with her and her roommate, and as usual, confused our opponents with our brilliant strategic minds. They were super cool, and if I’m ever in Minneapolis again I won’t hesitate to give them a ring. Ok, well, for the first time since somewhere before North Carolina we are finally caught up! You have no idea how excited this makes both of us. We apologize for the massive influx of reading our most devoted followers (aka parents) have to catch up on. I love thanking people, so thanks to everyone who has hosted us so far, and also thanks to everyone who reads the blog. Nick and Brian, out of the frying pan and into the freezer.

Nick: Hahaha.

Glen Cove Day 3

Brian: Our last day in New York. The say “Go big or go home,” and since I’m currently homeless that doesn’t really leave me with a lot of options. Andreas had some business to attend to in the morning, which was fine with Nick and I because we exist in a constant state of fatigue, so the opportunity to chill out until the evening is appreciated. So we really kicked off our day at the crack of 5 pm with dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s and a viewing of the film Zombieland. Unfortunately, the power went out halfway through the movie due to some A-hole New York driver crashing into a pole. The manager said we could go to another local theatre with our stubs, but since we are traveling men, that isn’t really feasible. Even so, I’m convinced that if we show up at any Regal owned theatre in the country, I can talk the manager into letting us see the second half. I kept the stubs, so I’ll keep you updated.

Nick: Brian and I both decided that one of the worst places to be in the whole world is in the middle of a crowd of a bunch of pissed of Long Islanders. I tried to tell them that their rabbling wasn’t going to get the power back on but sometimes there’s just no reasoning with people. And I just lost. After the movie, we headed into the city to meet Brian’s friend Max and Georgia’s friend (Andreas’ sister) Ian then headed off to a beer garden.

Brian: This was one of the least comfortable moments on the trip. I had to pee. Like, I REALLY had to go. There were four people crammed into the back seat and I was a speed bump away from showering them R. Kelly style. But I made it, and I’m just hoping that now I’m not sterile. First order of business out of the way, we set out to acquire some beer.

Nick: The beers were remarkably big. Like, I-want-to-drink-my-beer-because-carrying-a-gallon-of-liquid-is-uncomfortable big.

Brian: I should know. I think I literally had a gallon of liquid in my bladder.

Nick: O.K., I think we’ve all heard enough about your digestive system for a while. The garden was fairly crowded so under Max’s wise instruction, we set out to practice our game a little. (Brian and I have always been the “relationship type.” We’ve both had girlfriends forever and ever, and as a result may be a little out of touch.)

Brian: I’d say the night was an overall success though. We opened up sets (the technical term for a group of people at a bar) of all different sizes and compositions and were generally well received. Max had us using two different lines throughout the night, one involving advice about a 3-way, and one involving tongue piercing. I can say for myself that my ultimate goal was to be more hilarious and likeable than attempting to actually pick up any girls, so I count it as a win.

Nick: I had fun and got to drink a lot of beer, so I count it as a win tambien.

Brian: And that brings us to goodbye NY. It was fun, short but sweet. But L.U.C.Y. and the open road beckon. Brian and Nick out.