Brian: /me plays triumphant fanfare.
Nick: If this blog has anything to do with figuring out what this country is all about, and of course it is, then the mall of America should have been our first stop. Is there anything more American? I mean, besides a star-spangled, gun toting, Tim McGraw jamm’n, burger eat’n eagle perched atop a monster truck. Which I think I would like to see someday. Well, it wasn’t our first stop, obvs, but we made it, and we gave it the time it was due. We showed up around 9:15 am, before most things were opened, then settled down and got our blog on in a small café in the middle of the amusement park.
Brian: Wait, what? Yeah that’s right. There is a full-on…
Nick: …don’t say “full-on”…
Brian: …sorry… an entire amusement park within the center of the mall. I couldn’t spend all day in that central chamber of Nickelodeon themed wonderment but Nick got freaked out just looking at the Spongebob coaster. How about the Dora the Explorer coaster? No? Nick made it very clear that it wasn’t even worth my breath trying to convince him to ride it. I think that puts my snake fear into perspective.
Nick: As I explained in the car, there is a long list of reasons hanging out with a snake is a better idea than riding a rollercoaster. I shall enumerate but a few:
1. Riding roller coasters costs money, which could otherwise be spent to buy sandwiches, Moxie, or Moxie sandwiches.
2. No one’s ever been killed, injured or attacked by a four-foot long Ball Python. Have people fallen out of rollercoasters, experienced heart-damaging stress, and otherwise suffered from the unnatural jerking motions of the ride? Of course.
3. One can control one’s actions in the presence of snakes. You can run, you can fight, you can throw someone else in front of them. If things go wrong on a coaster, it’s not going to end well, and no amount of screaming is going to change that.
4. Snakes look cool, and beautiful women look cool when they have snakes draped around themselves. Ever seen a beautiful woman on a rollercoaster? She probably has that stupid expression of sheer terror mixed with explosive glee. Her hair is everywhere, and maybe she’s crying. Not a good look. There are more reasons, but I guess we can move on for now.
Brian: I will simply note your knee-jerk defensiveness as my closing argument. So yeah, so we spent most of the day doing nothing. Literally just walking around the mall or blogging. Even so, my mind was blown. Everyone told me how big this place was going to be, and yet I still underestimated it. It puts most airports to shame.
Nick: Airports? Kind of random. And we didn’t do nothing, we checked out all kinds of cool stores and attractions, then caught a six dollar showing of Zombieland, which I’m happy to report was not interrupted by disgruntled Long Island motorists and was even more excellent the second time around. After the flick, we headed over to our new host’s place, Micaela, for some bike riding and Indian food. Dot Indian.
Brian: Yeah, not feather Indian. Considering how awesome the weather has been the bike ride was amazing. I think my body almost forgot what exercise was. When we got back to Micaela’s we played a game of Spades with her and her roommate, and as usual, confused our opponents with our brilliant strategic minds. They were super cool, and if I’m ever in Minneapolis again I won’t hesitate to give them a ring. Ok, well, for the first time since somewhere before North Carolina we are finally caught up! You have no idea how excited this makes both of us. We apologize for the massive influx of reading our most devoted followers (aka parents) have to catch up on. I love thanking people, so thanks to everyone who has hosted us so far, and also thanks to everyone who reads the blog. Nick and Brian, out of the frying pan and into the freezer.
Nick: Hahaha.
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