Chicago, IL through Madison, WI

Brian: Wow. For those of you not counting, this is day 55. Nick and I are not sick of each other at all, which is amazing and miraculous. We are awesome, this trip is the greatest trip ever taken, and this blog is the greatest blog ever written. Pardon me, I just needed to get some pompous out before I start writing today. Hey, if feeling good is a crime, slap on the cuffs.

Nick: Gross. I’m just pumped that we’re finally about to catch up. The “recovery” time in Indiana put us way, way back, and I was having trouble sleeping. So check it out: I’ve actually been to most of the places we’ve visited to far. I mean, not all the small towns and stuff, but I’m generally pretty familiar with the areas we’ve been through. Sort of. But all that changes now boys and girls. Anything west of the great city of Chicago is a bold new world for me. From here on out, towns get farther apart, and everything gets just a little stranger. Our first stop along the way is Madison, WI. Now I’ve never been to Madison, and all I know about it is that it’s something of a party school. After this trip, I now know that there is a huge Couchsurfing community here (we got like, 7 people offering to put us up for the night,) the lakes are beautiful, and that they do two things right that I really enjoy. First and foremost, what you’ve heard about Wisconsin and their love affair with all things cheesy is true. They’ve got dairy like you wouldn’t believe, and people, the dairy is good. They also have beer. Plenty of it. Different sizes, flavors, and styles of everyone’s favorite bubbly beverage. Talk about the promised land.

Brian: Yeah, I promise I will gain weight in this state. We snuck out of Shannon’s at around 9 am and started heading toward Madison. Nick and I had a moment of synchronicity when we simultaneously suggested Arby’s for breakfast. By the way, if you call the phone number on the back of the Arby’s receipt you can take a 2-minute survey for a free sandwich. Then when you get your free sandwich, they give you another receipt, which you can use to get another, brand new free sandwich. Yes, you are correct, it is possible to receive an endless supply of free sandwiches. I don’t think the kind cashier knew what monsters he was creating when he told us that. So we met up with Gabriella and her sister basically right away when we got to Madison. They were planning on a casual afternoon watching movies and baking cake, so we decided to just hang out with them for a while. Well, those girls have interesting taste in movies to say the least…

Nick: Descriptive words used by our hosts prior to viewing: French, fierce, fantastic. Words I would use to descibe the movie after seeing it: French, fierce, and royally F*** up. Hey Brian, riddle me this: how many ways can you kill someone with a pair of scissors?

Brian: I initially couldn’t remember how we spent this afternoon when I started blogging today. I believe that I dug a hole in my own brain, put the memory of this movie inside the hole, and sealed it off with a miniature brick wall. When Nick reminded me of it, I literally recoiled as if somebody had ripped the brick wall from my brain like a Band-Aid off a fresh wound. To answer your trick question, you can only kill someone once with anything, including a pair of scissors. But I know the reason you might be confused; there were several incidents of reanimation in this movie most of which occurred after brutal scissor murders. Also, I literally watched a woman cut a child (also with scissors) from another pregnant woman’s uterus. The movie was hands down the bloodiest most graphic thing I have ever seen, and when I’m reading back through this blog in the future I will always shudder when I read this post.

Nick: To be fair, our hosts had never actually seen this movie before. I’m not sure if they were as horrified as we were, but I’m sure it wasn’t their favorite. After it was over, Gabriella’s friend Jess showed up, we all rode to her place for a moment, then headed to the most local of local dive bars. The bartender was called “Grandma” by everyone (she looked like a composite of every Grandma anyone’s ever had) and the place was full of dead animals and people that can only be described as “regulars.” One got the impression that the individuals at this bar had been coming to this bar, steadily, every night after work for many years. I mean, that’s fine, everyone was really nice and everyone knew each other. We talked for a while, swapping disgusting animal stories. The Wisconsin animal stories from our hosts and others were pretty gross, but I’d like to think the “manatee story” can hold its own.

Brian: It’s legendary. It’s the kind of story that you borrow from the people you hear it from until it simply becomes an urban myth. Except it’s real.

Nick: We tried it out. It held its own. After a while, we decided to head out with Gabriella’s friend Alais (pronounced like Elise) to a bar, which allegedly had two redneck hip-hop artists performing. This, we had to see.

Brian: I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and some fries, and the fries were basically the best I’d ever had. Seriously, I had hardly had anything to drink at all so it’s definitely true. So these two total wanna-be losers (yeah they literally wish they were at least losers) jump out on stage in backwards trucker hats and start spittin’ the dumbest most played out rhymes I’ve ever heard in my life. The beats were lame and they were bombing big time. They met my expectations exactly, although Alais says that last time she saw them they were different in a more awesome kind of way. She claimed that this was an opening act redneck hip-hop duo for the true legit redneck hip-hop duo. I don’t know, maybe I’m a cynic but I didn’t really feel like being lyrically instructed to… hmm how shall I keep this appropriate… provide inverted labial pressure upon their reproductive instruments. This wasn’t going to keep me entertained for much longer.

Nick: Nor I. Fortunately, Alais felt the same, so we went back to her place, hung out with her slobbery dog Max, learned the proper way to effect a Wisconsin accent, and contemplated what various objects around the room would taste like if they were able to be digested. My favorites were a pair of metallic owls, which I figured probably would have been chocolaty, and a series of paintings of the ocean, which I have to imagine would have contained a fresh blast of mint. Who knows. In the meantime, my Moxie sense is tingling. Someone, somewhere needs our help. Brian and Nick, up, up, and out.