Nick: I resemble that remark. Our first stop was an in-depth tour of the capitol lead by our illustrious badge-carrying intern Alex. It was like… way historical. Like, totally educational and whatever. I enjoyed the dome itself, which is filled with murals depicting a number of monumental (get it?) events in American history. The painter of some of the work pictured himself (get it?) as a rather important individual that needed to be included in his own depictions. As such, you can find his face tucked into various historically significant crowds at historically significant events. When the powers-that-be discovered the young artist’s flair for inserting himself into these paintings, they naturally requested that he not do it in the last few paintings left for him to finish. His response: paint himself in as a woman. Tricky, tricky. After the Capital building, it was off to the Museum of American History.
Brian: Really, any one of the Smithsonian museums requires much more time than we had to be fully explored. Therefore we had to be choosy about what was important and hilarious. I think it was wise to begin with the American Revolution; after our experience with those Communist revisionists outside of Valley Forge we were feeling a bit disillusioned about patriotism. Watching a puppet repeatedly whack another puppet in the crotch with a tea kettle was just the pick-me-up I needed.
Nick: Huzzah!
Brian: Another exhibit of note: American pop culture. I was able to see 1 of 5 original pairs of the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore for her portrayal of Dorothy Gale in the 1939 classic, Wizard of Oz. Also, an original Kermit the frog, forever behind his quarter inch plexiglass. The highlights of the exhibit however, in my opinion, were the armchairs of Archie and Edith Bunker. If you aren’t sure who they are, they pioneered racism as a form of comedy, a technique employed by comedians such as Steve Carell and Chris Rock today.
Nick: Next stop: Museum of Natural History, which was generally more to my taste. We saw ginormous dinosaur skeletons, underwater beasts, ants (who, in my opinion, are perhaps the most frightening of all God’s creatures. If ants ever get to be the size of small lap dogs while simultaneously acquiring a lust for human flesh, I surrender. I’ll fight zombies, Commies, and even Jedis on the steps of our nation’s Capitol building in a triumphant blaze of glory. Heavily armed or otherwise, if it’s a fight they want, they’ve got it. But when it comes to an oversized insect with the organization powers of the ant tribe, forget about it. I just want you readers to understand that if and when this unstoppable insect invasion comes, you can’t count on Nick Ison to be useful in any way, shape or form. Game over. In a related note, we tried to see the Hope Diamond. We failed.
Brian: The 3-inch solid metal door slammed shut just as we approached it. It ended up being for the best though, because the three of us were clearly exhausted from a long day of trekking around the city. We took Alex to work (the kid works three jobs, which is why Nick and I are intentionally unemployed, to make up for Alex’s sense of industry) and settled down in a theatre to watch Couple’s Retreat starring Vince Vaughn. Don’t see it, it’s dumb. Not even a good date movie. We grabbed some food after the movie to kill some time, then picked Alex up from work and headed back to his place for an insane night of debauchery and insanity, which we all slept through.
Nick: It’s true. Sometimes the best intentions just aren’t enough. By the time we got home, the prospect of doing anything except falling asleep was not something we were interested in. Perhaps tomorrow. You stay classy America. Brian and Nick out.
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