Nick: Brisk. We can’t be too sure of the chronology of the following events, but they were all pretty excellent and therefore worth mentioning. I’d like to take this opportunity to brag for Brian about what a killer shot he is. Back story: I’ve been shooting things for a long time. BB guns, paintball, rifles, shotguns, etc. You name it. I’m not a bad shot. (Usually) Brian has never shot a real gun before, and since we were in the mountains and since local mountain legend Raymond Bunz of Bunz Gunz was available to host us on his range, I figured it was a great time to expose Mr. Pinto to the wonders of firing dangerous weapons at pieces of paper. Though initially hesitant, the kid took to firearms like a hillbilly with a socialist black president.
Brian: Durn tootin’. We brought a 9mm and a 22 rifle, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t think I was going to enjoy shooting as much as I did. Another customer showed up about halfway through our session with an AR-15, and we were allowed to squeeze off a few rounds. Boom. Also, I couldn’t resist turning the handgun sideways, shouting, “Check yo’self, fool,” and unloading the sidearm as fast as I could pull the trigger. McLovin bailed!
Nick: Good one. Another blog worthy outing was our trip to a place called Max Patch, as recommended by some local family friends. To fill you in, Max Patch is basically a mountaintop that, for reasons that defy scientific thought and reason, is completely bare of all vegetation other than some scrubby grass. The place was definitely cool, but the trip there is perhaps more interesting. Check it out: The directions we had to this place were a bit shaky because we couldn’t really find an address online. Thus, when we came to a fork in the road, we opted for a route that soon became perilous for any vehicle that didn’t happen to be a monster truck.
Brian: We were in an Audi SUV and we were navigating what was literally the most ill-kept, treacherous road that I have ever ridden on, including some illegal off-roading I did in high school. There was no possible way for us to turn around, and after the first couple of drop-offs it was certain we could not travel in reverse. Nick’s mom thought we were going to die in the woods. Nick was making contingency plans should we have to leave the car and finish the journey on foot.
Nick: The sun rises in the west, right?
Brian: I attempted to allay my PBMS (Phantom Banjo Music Syndrome) by singing a rousing chorus of Bohemian Rhapsody. There were times we literally had to get out of the car and scout the best path over the rocky forest path. Also, we forded several creeks (losing no oxen). We came out of the “road” near a highway, where four hunters, clearly locals, pointed us in the correct direction. We nervously laughed and drove away. But yeah, Max Patch was awesome.
Nick: Photos to follow. Later that night, we had rib dinner with the neighbors that had suggested the trip to Max Patch. That might have created some animosity, but as it turns out they’re both professional chefs so dinner was, well, similar in deliciousness to the combination of Mr. Pibb and Red Vines. Yeah. Dinner also included copious amounts of high quality scotch, wine and sipping rum. After dinner also had those things. It was a good night.
Brian: Not to mention a lesson in the consumption of fine cigars, courtesy of Nick’s father and his neighbor, complimentary Monte Cristos included. The rest of the stay was pretty casual. Relaxing afternoon hot tub sessions, billiards in the evening, delicious breakfasts. Oh, and a gentleman at the shooting range relayed the story of him and his wife’s abduction, probing, and subsequent pregnancy (it is believed the alien somehow “implanted” the child). Apparently, the child was so controversial that the couple ended up getting divorced. How many puns can we drop on that? Good luck getting alienmony. Put on some Marvin Gaye the Martian. Unidentified Fornication Object.
Nick: Star Trek: The Next Penetration.
Brian: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Grope.
Nick: O.K., that’s probably enough. For now. In summation, North Carolina was a great break in the action in that while we usually drink, recover, drive, being stationary for a few days allowed us to drink, recover, then skip the driving step altogether and head right back into drinking. Also, it was pretty, so I guess the nature part was alright too. We have plans to hit up Atlanta next. I’ve never had any affection for the city that I find to be too spread out, dirty, and disorganized but I guess I can give it another chance. We’ll see how it goes. Until next time, Br-i-ck out.
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